Navigating the Turbulent 'Asshole Years': Parenting Teenagers with Respect and Discipline
Parenting can be a challenging journey, but it becomes particularly turbulent when we enter the phase commonly referred to as the 'asshole years.' This stage, typically occurring between 17 and 25, involves a tumultuous period during which teenagers develop their identities and independence. Understanding and addressing abuse during these years is crucial for effective parenting and a harmonious relationship with our teenagers.
Preparation and Guidance from the Early Years
The process of instilling respectful values and behavior in teenagers should ideally begin much earlier, around the age of eighteen months. Early preparation sets the foundation for raising children who understand the importance of respect, compliance, and mutual understanding. Parents who establish these principles early on have a better chance of laying a solid groundwork for respectful and responsible teenagers.
Smart parents recognize the power they hold over granting their teens access to technology and other privileges. If teenagers fail to demonstrate respect and compliance, they do not deserve access to smartphones, computers, or games. Most teenagers desire these privileges enough to adhere to the rules, provided their parents are firm and consistent in insisting on them as conditions for access.
Handling Abuse: Verbal and Physical
When it comes to addressing abuse, it's crucial to distinguish between different types. While verbal abuse and physical abuse both require serious attention, they also have different handling mechanisms. For verbal abuse, establishing clear house rules and consequences can be effective. In cases of physical abuse, if the teenager does not stop when ordered, intervention from external authorities, such as the police, may be necessary. No one should be subjected to abuse, and children must understand this firmly.
Yelling and screaming are normal expressions of frustration and emotion. However, physical violence is not. It's important to convey this distinction clearly to teenagers. In some cases, mothers or parents may need to resort to physical discipline only as a last resort, after attempting verbal corrections. However, these actions must be carefully managed to prevent escalation and ensure safety for all involved.
Case Study: Resolving Disrespectful Behavior
One real-life example of dealing with respect issues is my son, who was disrespectful towards his mother. Initially, this displayed itself as simple dismissiveness, but it escalated to physical aggression. I explained to him that such behavior is not acceptable and demonstrated that his actions would not be tolerated. When he attempted to hit either me or his mother, I took decisive action, both physically and verbally.
To illustrate the boundaries, I told him he was not allowed to touch his mother and that if he desired to express anger or frustration, he could direct it towards me. I further reinforced this by stating that if he chose to hit me, I would hit back. This strategy was based on the principle that respect should be mutual and that boundaries must be clearly defined and enforced.
Understanding and respecting these boundaries is crucial. I emphasized that while I loved him, his behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated. In contrast, my wife's tendency to be lenient led my son to believe he could treat her with similar disrespect. It is essential for parents to set consistent and firm boundaries to maintain a respectful and harmonious home environment.
Conclusion
Parenting teenagers during the 'asshole years' is a complex and challenging task. However, by preparing from the early years, understanding the types of abuse, and consistently enforcing respect and discipline, parents can navigate this phase more effectively. It's crucial to teach teenagers about mutual respect, the consequences of disrespect, and the importance of open communication. With patience, consistency, and firm but loving guidance, parents can help their teenagers grow into respectful adults.