From Bullying Perpetrator to Artistic Transformation: A Journey of Healing
Bullying is a pervasive issue in schools, affecting numerous students and perpetuated by various forms of toxic behavior. My own story of bullying has deeply impacted my growth and transformation, starting from my days as a bullying perpetrator due to personal struggles with depression and toxins of masculinity, leading me to a significant change through artistic endeavors.
Escaping Toxic Masculinity Through Ballet
At the core of my journey was the dark cloud of toxic masculinity, which I carried with me from a young age. I was a bully in school, marked by feelings of depression and inadequacy. This toxic behavior was not an isolated incident but part of a larger pattern of behavior that I inherited and internalized.
Fortunately, my mom recognized the issues and took decisive action. She enrolled me in ballet classes when I was in middle school. The practice of ballet was not just about learning to dance; it was an essential component of my emotional and psychological healing. Every week, on three days, I donned my pink tights, panties, and leotards, stepping into a world vastly different from the one I was familiar with. The term tutu symbolizes more than just a skirt—it represents a transformation of my inner self.
The harsh realities of my past were dramatically reduced as I embraced this new, artistic practice. The ballet routines and environments stripped away the toxic masculinity that had controlled my behavior and thoughts, transforming me from within. Performing in a tutu became more than an act; it was a journey to create a better, stronger individual.
Misery and Isolation in Childhood
However, my journey was not without its challenges. There were periods of immense bulling. I recall a particularly painful moment when I was ten years old, just after changing schools. I went through a year or more of isolation and name-calling, which was an unpleasant yet formative experience. Teachers, seemingly oblivious to these dynamics, sometimes dismissed my complaints under the guise of not 'tattling.'
One particular memory from my kindergarten years is still vivid. I wore a black sundress to school, and Christina, a girl in my table group, deliberately humiliated me in front of my classmates. This encounter, where she revealed my underwear and chalked the color of my dress on the table, was a stark and painful reminder of childhood bullying. What was particularly distressing was the teacher's response: invoking the rule of not 'tattling,' she dismissed my concerns without addressing the issue.
Such experiences have left a lasting impact. Even today, I often feel wary of group dynamics and the pressures that can arise within them. This episodic bullying not only affected my social standing but also left psychological scars, making me perpetually cautious of group behavior.
Breaking the Cycle: Lessons and Advice
Though I can't change the past, I can share my experiences to help prevent others from going through similar pain. It's crucial to recognize and report bullying behaviors. When a teacher or authority figure tries to dismiss your concerns, it's vital to take matters into your own hands. Inform your principal or parents. Teachers may not always understand or address bullying, but your well-being and safety are paramount.
Children, if someone tells you not to 'tattle' or that you'll be a 'snitch' if you report bullying, do not hesitate. Report it. Your safety and happiness are worth it. If the teacher is the one dismissing your concerns, escalate it to higher authorities. Nothing justifies bullying, and your voice is powerful and necessary for change.
The Power of Healing Through Art
My experience with ballet was transformative. The practice not only improved my physical well-being but also shifted my mindset and emotional state, allowing me to overcome the shadows of my past. Art and artistic expression have become a vital part of my healing journey and a means to confront and understand past traumas.
From being a bully to finding solace and transformation in ballet, my story is a testament to the power of resilience and the importance of seeking healthier outlets for expressing emotions and overcoming negative behaviors.